<3 and Yum.
That moment…
That moment when you discover there is someone else like you in the world. I mean, not entirely like me in every way, just one certain way that I thought no one else was like. I mean, I don’t even know this person. I met them once through knowing their other half. But still. It’s like… comfort. Peace. Or something. This certain thing about me isn’t even an issue right now at all but, it really really has been one of the biggest issues of my life in the past. So, that made me happy. Although I now feel rather stupid for never being comfortable enough to be very open about it. lol.
I haven’t been feeling so great about myself lately. At all. I’m probably due a big confusing blog entry about it at some point to be honest. But that just gave me something to feel slightly better about :) So I thought I’d mention it. Now I must go read some boring book about some boring and difficult play….
The Mojo is dead. [warning, rant ahead]
Well and truly.
So, it seems this would be night 3 of feeling like a big bee has come along and completely taken my buzz away all for itself. It’s stupid. I know the reasons. And they are all fucking stupid ones. But the fact that they are stupid ones is probably making me feel worse because it just makes me angry at myself as well as down. Bleh. This is no fun AT all.
I will briefly detail the reasons I can think of right now, mainly because I haven’t actually said them out loud yet [it may make me shut up & stop moping around like a bitch]…
Reason 1. I don’t get men. At all. I can’t think of ONE that hasn’t let me down in recent times [except for Brian actually].
Reason 2. I am apparently a completely crap judge of character when I actually thought I was a good one.
Reason 3. I make a twat out of myself. ALOT. And I never seem to learn my lesson.
Reason 4. I occasionally remember how much better life would be if I was just a lesbian. To be honest lol… which irritates the hell out of me because I just can’t be. Blah.
Reason 5. I am really and truly starting to hate my drunk self. SO much that I don’t wanna get drunk from now on. Which sucks because I have just about learnt how to avoid hangovers, so I like being drunk these days.
Reason 6. Writing was something I was quite confident that I was OK at. It never stressed me out really. And I now feel completely rubbish at it.
Reason 7. A repeat of the above but with regards to acting. And feeling shit at acting is even worse considering it’s what I wish to do with my life.
Reason 8. I feel like a twat, in every possible way.
In fact, the only thing in my life that I feel slightly better about than I ever have is singing. Which is bloody weird. Nice. But, you know, it’s not like I’m ever gonna make it as a singer or anything so it hardly matters really, especially next to acting - my chosen career path. Blah.
Why am I so boring? Why don’t I get people [including myself]? Why am I so fucking awkward? Why am I not really that good at anything except being a twat?
There we go. Rant. Done.
Promise.
Yeah… in other news… I need a bit of this man in my life. <3
(Source: starkidmizziephan)
Right….
Today has been one of those awkward days. One of those days that makes everything positive I have said in the last few entries or whatever seem completely null. Of course the positive things are not null, but we all have these days….
I’m shaking. I’m drunk. I’m wet [mainly because I am drunk]. And I actually feel like drinking more just to drown my sorrows and pass out [a very rae occurrence].
I dislike being negative, especially when it is my own fault [which all of these occurrences are] but sometimes its hard isn’t it? And especially when one is quite intoxicated. I’m not going to go into detail…. I just wish to cheer myself up, with a picture of the biggest inspiration of the past year [someone who no doubt knows what it’s like to feel negative energy]
… Not to mention, he looks smoking hot here <3 Loves ya Johnny <3
I’m weird…
Seeing Billie and Van together makes me so sick-to-the-stomach jealous… and I’m not even Johnny lol.
I feel bad for Van. He’s wonderful. And talented. And gorgeous. But he provokes so many negative emotions in me. lol.
What was I saying? Oh yeah… I’m weird.
obc gifs by kayla | tour gifs my me
This both pleases me and makes me sad at the same time. Mind melt.
Finally, I have it! My big red diary! :)
Props to papa…
To be fair… Although it says a lot that I presumed what I presumed earlier…
Dad was actually sick. And he has also said he is going to stay over night after Encore! to take me shopping the next day, so he really does want to take me.
Bless him. He’s not a bad guy. He’s not a bad father. He just has problems. Which I’d be completely understanding about [and always have been] if he just wouldn’t make up bullshit to cover them up.
Hmmmm. Tut.
Never mind ey?
You taught me how to live.
Ah man, i just want every line of this over my body! damn it!
Ditto Stace… Ditto.
(Source: stiefels)
Guess who’s shopping trip got cancelled…
Grrr!
Even though apparently he’s sick so I can’t technically blame him for that. Plus he’ll call me selfish and mean, considering it’s my Nan’s funeral tomorrow. I do feel selfish. I do feel inconsiderate. But I’m fed up of keep being reminded how right my Mum was for all those years and how wrong I was to put so much sweat, tears and anger into sticking up for him.
Bleh.
It’s not the shopping that matters. It’s the feeling of disappointment in my own father, who I’ve said for a long time is one of my best friends as well [although I am pissed off that I waited to get my big red diary until today lol, just so he had something to buy me, and bought a take away instead… all in vain].
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he is ill. Guess we will see later on when I ask him if he wants to just give me the money after all.
Our RedFletch’s. <3
